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I'm Scared of SUV's


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"I'm Scared of SUV's"

Does SUV stand for, stuck up vehicle? If you are an SUV driver, I'll understand if you skip over this nugget.

Have you noticed all of the SUV's? My God, how could you not? Unless you've been living the last 5 years in a cave somewhere, or perhaps riding around in an SUV, with tinted windows, surround sound stereo system, DVD and VHS, lost in a world of leather seats and individual climate control. Oh yes, it's entirely possible that you've missed the actuality of SUV's because you've been living the, 'nirvana', that is, 'SUV'.

SUV.. it even sounds snooty. I hate when people use letters to shorten titles. What? Is that so those of us who don't have one will feel left out, insignificant, and ignorant? Have you seen them? They say it all smug, as if it's a private and exclusive club or something."I drive an S.. U.. V..", as they wink and nudge another SUV driver. I just want to go right up to them and say, "I drive a P.. O.. J.."(Those of you in my club know that stands for, Piece Of Junk. But don't tell the SUV drivers, we like to keep them guessing.)

I drive down the highway with the wind blowing through my hair, (ummm.. It comes through the crack in the passenger door), feeling the exhilaration of driving. Happy to be alive. Just Joe and me. (That would be my car, Ugly Kidd Joe.) Just so proud to be among the other car owners. (An elite club, in itself, I've learned in recent months.) When, would you believe it? Along comes an SUV to ruin the moment. Not satisfied to happily co-exist with J.. O.. E.. , this S.. U.. V.. seems to have a mission. A vendetta or something. Does it seem like every time someone turns in front of you, or cuts you off, that they're in an SUV? As if to say, "Im bigger, Im better, and I can make julienne fries."

This beast, known by the secret code letters, S.. U.. V.. , drives around looking for ways to tick off the, 'commoners'. As if there was some psychotic thrill to terrorizing those vehicles less fortunate.

Many is the time, I can tell you, when the fear of G.. O.. D.. has been put into me, nearly causing me to P.. E.. E.. because of the dangerous and deadly ways of the dreaded, S.. U.. V..

You see it coming in the rearview mirror. You see your knuckles go white and your breathing become labored. As the SUV approaches you begin to speak encouraging words to your P.. O.. J.. "Don't worry baby.. I'm right here. That bad ole SUV wont hurt you." Of course, deep inside you are clutching your chest and crossing your legs. This could be it.

As the present danger approaches you now have a crystal clear and enlarging image of it in your side mirror. "It's ok POJ, I've got you." In your mind you are crunching numbers to make a new car purchase after the accident.

As the SUV creeps around the two of you, your heart stops. You hide your emotions, but your POJ, try as it might, can be heard stressing through the holes in the exhaust system. "Its okay, just hold it together."

Those black tinted windows right next to you, you want to switch to x-ray glasses to make sure the driver isn't thumbing his/her nose at you.

The monstrous monument to mechanical ingenuity silently glides by. Your breathing starts to relax, and POJ is returning to itself. As the beast that is SUV slides over into the lane in front of you, you wave at the underprivileged family of four who has taken up residence in the luggage area.

As the intimidating hulk drives into the sunset and you think of all the nasty and rude comments that you want to say to that SUV and it's driver you think to yourself..   "Dang.. I gotta get one of those!"

Smiles, and love..

Mr. Mac




"Going Out Of Business"

Whats up with, going out of business, sales anyway? Seriously, have you ever paid any attention to them? (Oh you're the one..) I mean they're a big joke in so many ways; I'm not sure which ones to point out first.

For starters the first BIG DAY of the sale. Come on. As if a real shopper wasn't in the day before checking out the prices, they cleverly mark everything up the night before the sale starts. 50-75 % OFF! EVERYTHING MUST GO! Yeah, whatever. Get real, people, were not completely stupid. Well, not all of us.

Amazingly, some people fall for this, and buy hundreds of dollars worth of stuff the first day of the sale.

Aahh.. What am I complaining about? These people are thrilled. They think they've pulled a major coo. They are such savvy shoppers. Almost prideful. Wait that is one reason I'm complaining. Hello, people. You just paid regular price, or more, at a 75 % OFF GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE. How do you feel, now? Meanwhile, NO REFUNDS, and NO EXCHANGES.. Oh yes, you're an excellent shopper.

As for me, I think I'll just wait until they drop a few prices before I buy anything. How'd that be?

Then there are those that go to these things like Grandma to a garage sale. They're going to buy, 'things'.. lots of things.. Makes no difference whether they need it or not. They don't even have to know what, it, is. "Excuse me, is that for sale?"

"I'm sorry, sir, none of the sales staff is included in the sale today."

I've seen people try to buy the clothes the sales person is wearing, the furniture they sit on, the phone, etc.

It's a feeding frenzy. Hundreds, even thousands of folks insisting that they be, allowed, to spend their money. "Come on please, can I, huh?"

Some stores realize their niche, and decide to have a perpetual, GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE. If business slows down, they simply go back to business as usual. Business falls again, go out of business, again. It's actually a pretty slick deal.

I'm thinking of doing that when I'm ready to clean house and make some changes at home. GIANT MOVING SALE! EVERYTHING MUST GO! Actually did that once haven't seen my wife, since.